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Fall isn’t just for K – 12. I went back today, climbed the hill up to Merritt College after work. I called Matt hoping that he’d have time to hang out, so I’d have an excuse to ditch my class. He declined because school started today for him. It’s hard for teachers. I don’t know how they do it. My hat’s off to you Matt! My determination to miss class was undeterred. I called up Sam and I kind of got the same tune: Grace was in town to see them and the baby, so he’d be busy. I didn’t even ask to hang out, but I was secretly hoping that he’d be available. There goes Plan B. When plan B fails, it’s over with it. There’s no such thing as Plan C.
The whole time, I could hear this voice in my head saying: Ben, why are you trying so hard to make excuses. I was super tired from playing ultimate and going to bed late last night. Going home would be really good for my body since I am definite on going to class Thursday night. Did I really want to take two night classes till 10 during the week? Maybe a break in the middle of the week would be good because I already play frisbee on Tuesdays.
Usually all the excuses make sense and I head home. I’m glad I turned right to head up the hill instead of left to the freeway.
Class went well. I’m taking Perspective Drawing at Merritt with Dorcus Moulton. I’ve had her before for Watercolor. She’s a really good teacher, but today was rough. We started by doing a copying exercise where we’d replicate these leaves on the paper, drawing the print out and scaling it up to a larger piece of paper. At first, I was like: ‘peace of cake, I’m gonna make something awesome!’ Wrong thought. I started and it was really hard. Man, I really struggled to really see the negative space and porportions of the leaves in relationship to each other.
Dorcus was cool. In her own way, she told me/us not to give up.
“When you erase and really try to get it right, you begin to see things better, and drawing is all about seeing things in new ways. It’s all about training your eye to see things better.”
“You people are doing really well. Talk about cheap thrills! It takes a lot of courage to come take a night art class especially since most of you work all day. It’s a big deal to put aside your fears and failures and just go for it.”
Good words for me to hear.
I was humbled a bit today, because I have these vast dreams of maybe one day saying those same words to my own class. I struggled to get the assignment going. It took me so long just find the placement for the leaves, let alone beginning to render them with shading and details. I still have a lot to learn as an artist. But, I guess, that’s the fun part of it all.
I felt at home today. I’ve been taking classes at that same Merritt studio off-and-on for the last 3 years or so. It was awesome to be back in that space working on stuff. It’s really cool to be humbled by seeing other people’s work. It’s encouraging to come to be with other artists, teachers, and creative people. I forgot how life-giving my times in that studio have been.
And to close, a quote by Egon Schiele:
“I must see new things and investigate them. I want to taste dark water and see crackling trees and wild winds.”
I saw something beautiful today.
I reluctantly stepped off the field to take a break from the game because the teams became uneven. I wanted Monty to join us to play 5 on 5, but he declined, so someone from our team needed to exit to the sideline. I was closest to the side and I hadn’t rested all day, so i stepped off, and faced the game from the sideline.
I watched as the other team threw the frisbee across the field to start play. It arced beautifully over my head onto the other side. As I followed it’s flight, my eyes caught the setting sun. Across the way, there were 20 or so geese, waddling on the baseball field. The orange sun shown toward me and the geese began to fly all together into the sky. All at once, they opened their large wings and they started to ascend into the sunset. It was amazing to see them fly together into the sun. I think a picture would do it more justice, but I saw something amazingly beautiful on that field. The birds continued to fly together and I thought to myself: Wow, that was really awesome. If I hadn’t taken a breather from the game, I would’ve missed this sight.
Something changed at that moment. I watched the birds fly away. I looked at the golden orange sun cast its warm rays onto the field where 3 soccer games and an ultimate frisbee game were being played all at once. I looked at the people playing on the field, and it was really special to see all of these people in this light. They were truly beautiful. I stood there in appreciation.
I just watched, and my soul, in the presence of a precious moment, was quiet again.
(Someone who is) loved.
I’ve forgotten (as I continue to forget over and over) that this is my identity. I think this is what I was reminded of today, by an email, a friend over lunch, and in listening to a person’s talk on poverty.
Yesterday. Today. Forever.
The same thing holds true as I wrestle with all that swirls in my head and around me in this world. There’s a quiet voice that speaks louder than the drowning demands of my life.
There is a whisper that says: Be loved for you are beloved. Jedidiah: beloved by Jehovah.
Yesterday. Today. Forever.
My friend Marcus sent me this poem the other day.
I’ve read it several times, and I’m not sure if I understand all of it. I don’t think my eyes are very dispassionate. Still, the poem reads beautifully. Maybe you can tell me what you think.
In beginnings and in ends, artists, let your faith be strong.
Know where hell and heaven await us.
It is your gift to measure all you see with dispassionate eyes.
Let your gaze be firm and clear.
Rub out the incidental details and you’ll see the splendor world.
Find out where the light shines and you’ll know where lies the dark.
Let all that’s sacred in the world,
and all that’s wicked,
pass in unhurried flow through the fire of your heart and the cool of your mind.
Alexander Blok
