You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2007.
We got rolled last week. Rolled like an old carpet.
I was pretty upset after our game (not at anyone in particular). I just don’t like to lose. Well, it’s OK to lose, but it’s really hard to get rolled 13-3. Yeah, it was a tough game. So after that game, a little spark lit up in me and I told our team that next week’s gonna be pretty fun, because I’m already ready to go.
It’s just winter league, but you know, I was pretty excited today. I don’t play for the Squids anymore, but man I totally miss it. We were pretty good back in the day*, and I think playing Ultimate for UCSD was the best thing in college. Well, one of the best things. I really loved** playing.
Today was good. The game was really tight. We basically traded points the whole game until the end. It was double game point (next points wins) for each side. I got two D’s and went long to set up the winning score. Boom goes the dynamite! Haha. I think all of my buddies on the team would laugh at me that I’m so excited to win a winter league game. I was just so frustrated from losing so badly last week that I wanted to at least play well. Winning put the icing on the top of the cake.
Another neat thing is running into old faces from UCSD (Ultimate). Last year I teamed up to play with Milhouse and his friends. Hooch also ended up playing with us. I ran into Qualls the other day at pick up, and last week I played against Meg Parker. I haven’t seen Qualls for like 8 years! And Meg was the person who pretty much introduced me to Ultimate at UCSD. We went to Castro Valley High School together too. Tonite I ran into Q-Bert! Man, it was great. Hopefully I’ll get to play against his team and then we can catch up. I haven’t seen him for almost six years.
You might be wondering about all of these crazy names***. Like, is he really named Hooch? (and Milhouse!!!) Let me explain. We all were given nicknames when we joined the team. The team named you, and it stuck. Nicknames are great. Some of them have stories to them, some of them have many stories to them. Some are just kind of silly and stupid. Q-bert’s kind of got this big nose, and he’s goofy. So, you can see why he’d be named after a video game character. I didn’t remember his real name, but he didn’t remember mine either.
What’s up Q-Bert!
Yo dang, what’s up Chia! Man, it’s been years!
I can get nostalgic pretty quickly, but I think it’s good for me. It helps me to be grateful of people, things, experiences, and places that have shaped my life.
*I’m fifth from the right in the back row.
**Entry taken from the old green journal.
***Scroll down for the team roster.
Margaret sent me this picture today. It’s from Pam’s wedding in Malibu. It was a beautiful night. The wedding was up in the hills of Pepperdine University, and the reception was at this beach house in Malibu. It was a perfectly clear day. One of those days and nights that give Southern California a good name. Pam looked beautiful. She smiled so big, and it was really nice to celebrate with her, and some old friends that I hadn’t seen for a long time.
It’s crazy how quickly things can change, and how I can feel differently about life. As I recall, this picture was taken last December (more than a year ago). I was getting ready to jet to Sierra Leone, and life was basically about saying goodbye to people, packing for my trip, raising money, and getting my immunization shots. Basically, life was about getting ready to go.
A lot of life hinged on this fact that I was leaving, and I had something new and challenging awaiting me. I felt excited, nervous, hopeful, and I think I had a bit more in my tank to give because I had so much anticipation building up within me. It wasn’t all easy. I was really struggling to raise enough money to go. I still had some lingering frustrations about community in Oakland and that I didn’t really feel too sad about leaving. I did feel sad that things would be different from here on out, as I was moving out of the apartment and my roomates (Matt and Joy) would be moving to Alameda. Still, life was about getting ready, and that kind grew a sense hope within me.
It makes sense that I’ve been trudging along with life. There’s the part about being back in the USA after touching and feeling the realities of another part of the world. I have to say that the people I had met, and their lives that I lived with them really have left this indelible mark on me. I haven’t been able to shake it off. I can still see the joyful eyes of Kwame on a Saturday morning. Those same eyes are sad and hungry as he’s sick with Malaria. I can still see Noah laughing at me as I try my best to the avoid the unwanted attention I’m getting from strangers. Those eyes have an immediate depth to them. I’m not so quick to forget.
The big question is: Where do we go from here? Yesterday’s MLK celebration asked the same question for me. The gospel choir that performed in West Oakland seemed to ask me if I really still cared about the poor. If the poor were really my friends. This picture seems to be a different reminder. Something about celebration, hope, light, peace through expectation, and warmth. I hope for moments that challenge me, and bring forth a deep sense of calling within me.
And this, in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. From his speech linked above titled: Where do we go from here?:
Now, we got to get this thing right. What is needed is a realization that power without love is reckless and abusive, and that love without power is sentimental and anemic. (Yes) Power at its best [applause], power at its best is love (Yes) implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against love. (Speak) And this is what we must see as we move on.
It’s been a long time.
I haven’t written since November 16th? Yikes. Well, here goes.
At this moment, I’m writing, then erasing, and then typing some more. It’s what I get for not updating this thing sooner. It’s hard to get things down as a perfectionist. So, as much as I don’t really like writing about what I’ve been doing (as opposed to thoughts) here goes.
Excuses: My Grandfather (on my Mom’s side) died. My computer died for a short time. My soul’s been dying at work. Vacation time away (to Vancouver). Finishing my 2 huge paintings for my art class. *This list is shorter than I’d hoped.
And well, just a lot of wandering.
I realized today that things change, even though they feel like they never will. Sometimes that change is really hard. Sometimes I’m dying for change.
I’ve felt really stuck lately. To be honest, I’ve felt this way for a while, pretty much since I’ve come back from Africa. Dissatisfaction can taste really bitter. I haven’t liked almost every part of my life. It’s been hard to feel this way. I’ve tried to be positive, and to initiate to make changes, but I’ve gotta confess that it’s been easier to just give up. It’s been humbling to tell anyone how I’ve felt. It’s been even harder to say that it’s lasted for a long time.
My heart is crazy. It pulls me way down under the dark waters, and I’ll be thrashing with all of my might to get up for some air. It launches me effortlessly into the sky, and I’ll be soaring through the clouds, into a perfect sunset. It triggers me to clench my fist in anger. It grows huge and reminds me that I can love. It pulls me, launches me, triggers me, grows me, pushes me, and sometimes it kills me. It’s hard for me, but I’m learning that my feelings aren’t always the best frame of reference for understanding my life.
Sometimes I feel silly wearing the “hope” t-shirts that I made while I was working as a screenprinter. I’ve caught myself wondering if I could really where these shirts. I’m not sure if I really believe in what I’m wearing. So sometimes “hope” hides under other layers, but I know it’s still there. Sometimes the sun warms me, the layers come off, and “hope” shows her beautiful face.
Hope, I miss you. Come back to me.
