Prone to Wander

I have a lot to write about. I’ll probably be catching up on a lot of stuff, since this month’s been really full of moving, travel, thoughts, and revisits from people, and places that I’ve been (literally and in spirit) before. I’m trying to work from the beginning of all of it, so bear with me as things begin to show up and get unpacked on this page.

I moved down the street to live with Carl and Celia ( and their litlle boy Caden ) and also Colin (another dude in the neighborhood). If I go by Chia, we’re all names that start with the letter C.  Otherwise, I’m outside the loop. It’s been a good change for me, emphasizing the change part of it.

Before, I was living at Bill and Cathy’s basement unit, over on East 16th Street. It was good for what it was. It offered really cheap rent, a quick place for me to move into ( after my trip to Sierra Leone ), and it was close to all I know (Oakland) in SF Bay Area.

There were some down sides to it. The living space was a bit strange. We had a big center living room / dining space but no kitchen. Instead, there was a long counter with a sink, cabinets, and a fridge. It was basically a long bar-like counter / kitchen, minus an oven range to cook on. It worked fine to cook: we used different cooking devices to get by: an electric hotplate, microwave, George F. Grilller, etc. to get by. I felt fine with it, a lot because I felt like my life post-Africa could just handle a lot of things less convenient in life.

It turned out that I could handle it, but it shifted the way that I approached food. I didn’t really cook much but I pseudo-cooked. It was the same things over and over: pastas, microtoasted creations, etc. It wasn’t bad, but it always felt temporary, rushed, and food became a crafted necessity (like tying your shoes) as opposed to a moment of rest and comfort (like taking a bath as opposed to a shower). They do the same things (cleanse), but they give different results through the approach.

Our rooms weren’t exactly rooms either. John and I had our own spaces, but they were more like alcoves: rooms without doors, and at least one open wall. This meant that there wasn’t as much privacy, and it was strange for me to woken up in the morning by coffee being made in the kitchen area. I liked that my room was really big, and it gave me space to paint and to spread things out a bit. Still, this also tasted a bit temporary, like I would be here for a bit and then we’d pack up the tent after we were asked to leave.

It was dark too. Obviously, I knew that it would be dark because it was a basement unit, but I think it really affected me. I don’t know how to measure light units, but it felt like I lost 50 percent of the possible light from being inside. Granted, it is inside, but there were times when I’d step out of our unit, and it would be overwhelming bright. It was a strange realization. It didn’t help my feelings, which often wonder (and wander) about community and connection.

And lastly, it was a pretty quiet, isolated place. I feel like the silence and stillness was a blessing, but too much of that begins to drive me crazy. My mind and heart are prone to wander in excessive quietness, and I know I need a better balance of connection to others.  I need my own space to think and write, and create. The cave didn’t offer a lot of cavemen and cavewomen to grunt with casually.

I wouldn’t say that B&C’s place was bad, but it wasn’t meant to something more than temporary. I think that’s what made it turn from hard, to frustrating, to finally needing change.

Living in my new room with a family and a new friend feels like polar opposite. There’s always people in and out of the house, my room is next the kitchen, there’s less space in my room, and each inch is shared in the house. I’ve found myself looking for corners where I can find quiet, and taking for granted that people in general are always around. At the old place, it was the opposite: I was looking for people to around (casually and intentionally) and I took the quiet space for granted. I hope that I can find a good balance with it all.

Moving is beginning to become a silent elephant in my life. Looking back, I’ve moved a lot in my young adult life. It feels like it’s on the table to consider every year, and lately, it’s been even more often. My past 4 moves have been less than 6 months each. Granted, each change had it’s reasons (trip to Africa, trip to Atlanta, etc.) but the affects of moving around so much may contribute to my own wandering heart and soul in regard to connection and community. Granted, I’ve basically stayed in Oakland for the past five years, but it’s been in a lot of different homes. It probably would be good for me to live in one particular place for a while, I just don’t think I’ve found that place yet.

I’ve felt that I need to learn about a God who is in all places and at all times. Can a semi nomadic person establish a sense of home? Can a person who’s touched a lot of different hands and soils find a place inside herself to be rooted, known, loved and in love? It’s a challenge, and think that’s the boardgame that’s placed in front of me. It doesn’t look the same all the time, nor does it feel the same either, but can the spirit and sense of belonging happen, even with a carry-on and a passport in hand? It hasn’t felt like it’s really happened that much for me, but it humbles me, and it’s what I long for.

All in all, I know this choice to move isn’t the perfect choice, but it’s a good choice for now. Change is what I need, and this provides a good opportunity for it. We’ll see how it all works out.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it, Seal it for Thy courts above.

Pipeline

Here’s another blog that marks my existence. I’ve been meaning to write more and to resurrect this thing. In general, it’s been a bit of a hectic month or so. I’ve moved (not far) and I’ve been traveling a bit. I’m in New Orleans right now doing some work with Mission Year.

In the world of housing development, they talk a lot about the pipeline, referring to what’s in progress and coming up with their system: new houses being built and projects to be finished. I’m not building any houses, but there’s more to come in the pipeline.

I’ve also added a link to my Flickr account on this page. I bought a new-used camera a couple months ago, and I’ve been taking pictures. It’s another porthole into my life. More on taking pictures later. Let me know what you think.