All the Best of Me

When together, it made sense. That thing you’d do. That thing I’d do.

Caring for another person, going out of your way to do accomodate the strength or weakness of your friend. Your best friend. Let’s do what you want. I’ll hold that for you.

I can wait. I can walk. I won’t run.

It’s doesn’t work when that thing isn’t there anymore. That thing is so simple yet so vital. I felt uncomfortable giving you that thing when I didn’t know if you cared. You probably felt the same, but in a way that I wouldn’t know. Too kind to be spiteful but really in a different place.

So I told myself that it is okay. I told myself that I could choose good for someone else even though nothing was given back. I told myself to choose even though there wasn’t any other choice.

I want to be better at this. I want to grow in this way: to learn to love in a way that isn’t so conditional, isn’t so provisional, and isn’t so sensational. I don’t want my love to be delusional, unreasonable, and unkind.

So I’m here, and at my best, my love for you is all of the best of me. Kind, hopeful, patient, gentle, relentless, tenacious, one-step-ahead, joyful, a wait-for-you-while-you-go-to-the-bathroom-for-a-long-time kind of thing. It is: I dont care, I’m just glad to be around. At my worse, it disappears, it is overcome by feelings, it is angry, screaming (quietly like a baby) from a place of hurt. Afraid, protective (of self), single-sensed (narrow mineded), cynical, sad, and empty. All the dark.

When I consider the possibility, to have and to hold, I am slightly afraid but fully aware of the possibilities. I understand the ability to hurt yet, I also understand the possibility to forgive. I realized, that intimacy grows even from a process of past hurt towards forgiveness. When we talk and connect, it brings closure to the past.

I guess my hope is that closure ot the past allows for a new future to be had. I know that this hope is worth it, it is true, it is real. I know that it will happen, as it already has, but I just want back all of the good.