Brakefast

Fastbreak, the frenzy of getting stuff done.
Breakfast, the nourishment for what is to come.
Break fast, a painful and abrupt change.
Brake fast, the reaction to a potential accident.

I’m still having a hard time sleeping. I think it’s the looming move, the messy room, the open edits, the unpaid bills, the budget unmade, bed unkept, the lunch not-yet-packed, the list that goes on. Then there’s the other side of the work, the future unknown, the heart’s unanswered longings. Wait, that was three word’s in a see of twos. A break in the pattern.

I am fully aware of the things the keep me up at night and wake me in morning. It, she, he, her, they, them, when, where, how, what, why. All of you want to hang out late at night, and then you make me up in the morning. A vampire child; late to sleep, early to rise. I like to thank each moment in the day as things and places where my inner vamp lets go of the blood sucking and my inner child finds a place where he is loved, known and cared for.

I’m looking for a break in the pattern. Maybe a brake is the only available. Slow down. Then stop. Full stop. Look both ways. Acknowledge the present of the other. After the silent gesture of presence (or lack of, if there is no other), make the move, trusting the space and the time after stopping.

Yesterday I stopped myself, but I kept moving. I told myself to brake. Break from the things to do, and the things undone. Brake the wonderful mind that wonders too fast. Break the habit of feeling alone too long. Brake because it is time to stop. I told myself to feel the ground under me. Sense the gravity of life that holds me in place; steady, able, present and loving. For a moment, I stopped running through it all and it felt solid and light.

I’m at my best when my soul is quiet and still yet fully present and aware. It is when I talk to Omar on the corner, Marlin at his home, calming down Yusef in his frenzy, and playing with Istam and Sibera. These people and these interactions remind that there are good patterns within me. A brake in the pattern.