A Slight Shift

Things happen quickly, but I’ve decided to start blogging on my new webspace: benjaminchan.com.

The past two years have been dedicated to my own artistic growth, and in conjunction with showing with East Bay Open Studios, I’ve added a new website to the arsenal.

The new webspace will be where I blog/post about all things art that I’m up to. I still have a lot of care for writing and I’m not exactly how I’ll treat this blog. I’d still like to write more about what I’m thinking about, and maybe this will be that space.

In any case, this is a secret revealed. I hope you enjoy! Here and there, thanks for keeping up with me.

the economics of it all

As of now, i’ve been far enough removed from the economic collapse.  Far enough that I’d have to say that it hasn’t directly affected me.  Certain people I know have lost jobs, and many continue to look for work.  But all in all, since I don’t own a house, nor do I have a high financial need ( or high costs to live ) I’ve been doing okay.  It helps that my lifestyle isn’t so extravagant or demanding, because it seems like it’s been hardest for those people.

I recently completed a design job for a running shoe store in the East Bay.  The whole experience was good for me, and the money, for the most part, was good.  I just received word from a friend that the business is closing at the end of the month, many factors pointing to the economy.  Three thoughts sprouted in my head.  The first was: Wow, that’s really hard.  Really?  close down for good? I had a moment of disbelief.  The second was: Am I going to get paid?  I ask for a 50% deposit/retainer fee before I start work.  This was paid, but I still had 50% left.  The third thought was:  Wow, I’ve just lost a potentially great client.  

This is my first story of how the economy has affected me.  I have been able to talk to the owner of the store, and we’ve settled on a price for him to pay me out at, due to his circumstance.  To make the story short, the money would get tied up to Trustees, so he offered to pay for an amount to make sure that I would get some money, and not have to wait around for more bureaucracy to clear out before a payment was made.  I wasn’t happy, but I felt like it this was just the sign of the times.  I could argue all I wanted to about my work, and sticking to the terms we agreed upon, but it’s just turned out to be a bit more complicated than that.

So, I’ve lost some money, some future work for a good client, and in the bigger picture, my designs never really made it to the world.  The client ended up not having enough money to push the designs to print.  This isn’t the biggest deal in the world, but as I’ve been becoming more and more ‘freelance’, it’s become a bigger deal.  Consistent work is a bigger deal than before.

I also had a good conversation with a fellow artist about money, art and life.  It was good to have someone to talk to about balancing life:  living passionately ( doing things you care about ) but also doing enough work to have enough and not worry about it all the time.  On one hand, it’s a drag to work 40+ hours a week doing something you don’t like, and not having time and energy to do things you care about ( in my case, image – making ).  On the other hand, it’s hard to always be looking for work, and not knowing if you will make enough each month ( sometimes I’m almost there ).

I have to follow up with him, but he made a great statement about pricing art, and it’s value.  He talked about how a creative object is an intellectual piece, and therefore it is really hard to put a monetary value on it.  There is years of practice and mistakes that have contributed to the knowledge and process behind what is created.  And on the other hand, a person may just be a genius/savant who creates something really beautiful in one swoop.  There’s equipment, and training, and a lot of work.  All of these things add up to a piece that is created by hand by somebody.  How do you price that?  It’s an interesting conversation.  

He went on to talk about how money ends being the center of all of our interactions.  And, he just had a hard time with that.  It’s not like he was some sort of anarchist ( okay maybe slightly ), but he made some really good points about how we treat each and live our lives, based upon making money:  enough, too much, too little, etc.  I don’t have a lot of answers, to be honest, but these were all good questions that were brought up.

As for me, I’m kind of scraping by with this money stuff.  I’m still figuring it all out.  Just being honest.

dan and mel’s wedding

One of my favorite picts from Dan & Mel’s Wedding.

dan and mel’s wedding, originally uploaded by hensever.

 

Pain that Painful

Today, I got a professional massage.  Professional equals painful.  My frisbee friend Doug is a MT, and he basically taught me a new definition of pain.  

I don’t have any witty metaphors to describe it.  However, in the end, it felt great.  I told him several times, I’ve never felt pain like this before.  I really recommend him.  

When he was jamming his thumbs into my neck and back ( and I was wincing ), I marveled at the idea of pain receptors, pressure points, and soreness.  I was really amazed at how powerful touch can be, especially at certain parts of the body.  I swear, there were several times when I was instinctively fighting him ( and therefore tense and unrelaxed) because it was so painful.  

The weird thing is, I like the pain.  I like it because it’s working out all of the crazy knots in my shoulders and arms.  I definitely have overworked hands, arms, and shoulders from all of the art related stuff that I do.  I like the pain because after it’s over with, it feels really good.  It’s weird how it takes someone to beat me up for me to relax.  

Anyway, this entry’s going down the tubes because I need to sleep.  Good night.

No Promises, Less Pressure

I’m trying to write more.  So chime in if ya feel me on some of my thoughts.

I usually write in in response to some sort of revelation during the day, or something that I’ve been mulling about for a long time.  I think that puts a lot of pressure on me to write something really interesting and I end up just letting this thing rot.  So, I’m gonna try to write, a bit less edited and composed and little bit more open and unprocessed.  No promises, less pressure.  

Sounds like a great campaign slogan.

I think I’ve talked about this before, but I’ve been in a pretty but rut.  It started in summer, and it’s kind of followed me through Fall, and hopefully I can battle the Rut and the Darkness of Winter all at once.  The Rut started when I stopped taking classes.  I think I was so burned out after a year of taking art classes, that I just didn’t want to do anything over summer.  So that’s kind of what I did.  I had big plans but not much production.  I can’t even remember what I really did then.  I should have taken the one painting class that I meant to take, but I didn’t.

So I didn’t do much, and I think that really made me lazy.  I was trying to recharge, but I don’t think that was the best approach.  As an artist, I need to keep working, doing stuff all the time, because it’s through process that I grow.  

I was eager for fall to start, and I put it in to take 4 classes.  I guess I just really wanted to make it really happen.  I’ve lasted about 2/3 of the semester at this breakneck speed, but a couple weeks ago, I just shut down.  I can detail out my schedule and the work that I’ve had to do ( including work, church stuff, and my own stuff), but it’s been kind of crazy.  Let’s just say my engine broke down, and that was another lesson for me to remember:  ambition is important but so is pacing and perspective.  I’ve stopped going to one class ( figure drawing ), and that’s been helpful.  No more 9am to 9pm wednesdays.

The Rut’s all about good ideas.  When I have great ideas, and I can execute them and work through a creative process, it’s really great.  When I don’t have any ideas, the Rut wins.  A couple weeks ago, I just felt like I couldn’t come up with anything really that interesting or satisfying to work on.  I’ve been trying really hard to steer away from work that looks like class assignments, or that doesn’t have that much depth.  It’s hard because I’ve got a bunch of scattered pieces that show growth in skill, but what I really want is a body of work, and comprehensive way of saying:  I am artist, this is what I do, this is what I’m trying to say, I am relevant.

And, I think that’s basically what I’m trying to do.  I’m working on these drawings of trash that I find, and I’m also working hard on these screenprinted drawings that document, record and re-appropriate places that I frequent in Oakland.  I’m also working on these vases that are thrown, then attached.  The end up looking very organic, with lots of barnacle like forms on them.

And last but not least, I think my friend Chris speaks well about his feelings from the election.  My feelings are similar, but I’m the person (of color) who’s not white or black that finds a lot of hope in the next days.  More on that soon.

And to close out, one of my young students ( on tuesday ) said:  ”We also voted in class today, and I voted for Barack Obama.”

Black President

I never thought it would happen.  My heart blew up when I saw black people on stage at the end of Barack Obama’s speech.  I thought I’d never see a black president.  I’m totally happy and hopeful.

Pic of the Day

Well, today is turning out even better than I would have thought.  An editor from Diablo magazine caught my picture on Flickr from this morning and asked if she could publish my picture on Diablo.com.  Check it out!

Election Day

election day, originally uploaded by hensever.

 

I voted.

The line wasn’t long at all, and other than some minor discrepancy about my address and registration, I was given a ballot, and it went into the vote monster.

I’d have to say that this is the first time that I’ve really been this engaged in an election.

I’m hopeful.

Sliders

I’ve been working pretty hard lately.  

There’s commercial work ( graphic design and photography ) and then there’s my own artwork ( drawing, screenprinting, and sculpture/ceramics ).  I also have teaching ( eco – art ) mixed into there, which is another slice of the art pie.  I enjoy it all, for the most part, and that’s what keeps me going.  I have been really struggling as of late, to come up with good ideas, and to trust myself with the process of things.  Not to sound all spiritual, but I think there’s certain blocks in my life, with God and faith that are spilling over into my own process: trusting that my vocation will grow and there is a time and place for me in all of it.  Trust is a kind of hard word these days.

I’m trying to finish up the pictures I took for Melissa and Dan’s wedding, a little over a month ago.  I know her wedding coordinator’s totally mad at me because she wants to post those pictures into some article.  It’s hard, it takes me a while to get through all the pictures.  

So, far the process has been good. I’ve taken a lot of pictures, and I’m finding it really satisfying to be able to push the pictures to their potential, and then decide if I want to keep the or not.  I feel like I spend as much time editing as I do shooting.  It’s only moving sliders back and froth, but imagine moving sliders back and forth for 100 pictures, or 200 pictures, or in my case, 864 pictures.  You get the pictures, it’s a lot of work.

My friend asked me a good question the other day about digital post-processing.  Basically, is it ‘legit’ to edit pictures after one shoots a picture, or is it ‘cheating’ to do that stuff: bump up contrast, push the saturation a bit, cross process ( add yellows to hilights, and blues and purples to shadows).  What is the line between a computer generated piece, and a pure photograph?  I think it’s a tough question to ask, and it’s one of the most important questions to ask as photography ( for the most part ) has gone ( very ) digital.

In my opinion, there is no such thing as legitimate or pure way to photograph something.  From the moment one pushes the button to freeze a moment in time, there are 10 different ways to make the picture into what one wants.  Aperture adjustments, shutter speed adjustments, focusing, framing, film-speed, and white balance are all different ways to adjust a picture, even before it is taken.  There is no pure photograph.  Every moment is calculated, adjusted, and configured.  I think the realm of a digital darkroom ( where the processing goes on in the computer as opposed to a darkroom ) pushes the envelope, but it’s really all the same thing.  Instead of dodging and burning prints in the dark, we push exposure and contrast filters in Lightroom and Photoshop.  

I still respect folks that do little or no adjustments to their digital pictures.  I think it is a real art form to be able to capture an image, to it’s maximum potential through the adjustments in a camera.  I however, am not that skilled, and I often find that my skills lies in other areas.  I work really hard to push and pull my pictures to a point where they look beautiful, but not contrived and overworked.  Sometimes, I feel like photos begin to become overworked, and I try to pull back some of the contrast or color.  Sometimes it goes the other way too.  I feel like I am always pushing and pulling at this line of photography vs. digital image.

I’ve noticed that some of my best pictures of the wedding are moments that I have not planned for, or worked to hard to capture.  I cringe at the fact that the ‘money shots’ ( the kiss, the ring, the portraits together) or so-so, and I laugh that I’ve caught the bride with a beautiful expression with her father on the way into the ceremony, or I’ve caught the niece ( flower girl ) looking straight through me, into the lens.  It’s funny how it’s important to work hard to put oneself into a good position to shoot a good picture, but it’s equally important to be aware and to wait for a moment that might never be captured, without the right attention.

And yes, this post is a total tease because I’m not showing anything that I’m writing about.  This because I’m not done ( about 400 photos in ), and the bride and groom get to see them first before anyone else.  So, back to the sliders.

The Party

rsvp here: http://www.evite.com/pages/invite/viewInvite.jsp?event=GNQWDNZGITABVTSXXDGH

The Invite

Creative Gratitude

The art world is a complex world.  

That statement in itself is a bit off-the-wall.  A little too vague and a little too loaded.  Maybe it’s like filling out your race/ethnicity status on a survey or report.  It could go really far, and yet it’s a couple words that fits just (un)right.

I have been feeling crazy lately.  Some of it is girlfriend-in-another-country disorder.  Some of it is the typical artist – angst:  Is my work aesthetically interesting?  Culturally relevant?  Personal and engaging to an audience?  Worth much at all?  Frame-able?  Sellable?  Some of it is stress related ( typical middle class stumblings ): we work too hard to do too much.  I have a big plate right now, a super (duper) value meal.  Four classes, teaching the kids, freelance work, traveling a bit ( trains and planes ), and well, the rest of my melancholy nature.  (At least it’s not natural ( but sometimes I think it’s totally man-made.))  

I have this list.  Sometimes it shows up on these label-covered cardboard pieces I use as a PDA.  Sometimes it lingers in my head right when I get up a bit too early in the morning.  It’s always pretty long, and pretty much always unfinished.  Sounds like a pretty bad graduate school experience.  

[Sorry, this is becoming very melancholy and almost like barfing everything up.  I've always kind of wanted to avoid that for this blog.  Oh well, here we go.]

Graduate school has been on my mind.  I think graduate school in itself can and will be a beast.  I still have to sort out whether or not I feel cut out for it, then a program has to do that for me (size me up), and then I will have to deal with all the work of it.  But, you see, graduate school is a good thing, but just a blip on the whole path of what I’m trying to do.  Thinking about the prospects of all of that makes me think more about bigger things, like vocation, hopes, and creative growth.

The point, I feel, at the end of the day, is Creative Growth. ( By the way, I used to volunteer there.)  Bottom line, that is one of the core values that has really blossomed in the past, present, and hopefully in the future.  My creative growth, and also being in the process of participating in the creative growth of others.  I think everything I have been doing ( and trying to do ) has pointed to that.  For that, I am really grateful.  I hope too, that I continue to remind myself that this is the point.  The more I do life “this way”, the larger the core grows, and feels right.

Creative gratitude would be a good way to see things.  I think this kind of attitude would be a really good way to unpack my feelings of art-making ( the ups and down of it ), and to find pieces of growth, hope, and promise, that I can really be thankful.  One of my goals ( add it to the list ) is to create a map of my own artistic growth, and to also factor in questions, moments, and growth-points into all of it.  I know I will find a lot to be grateful for.

I had a really good conversation with my Screen Printing professor.  He shared his story, and I was surprised about how detailed he was about his own struggles and successes.  I’m hoping to continue talking to him about all of these complex things.  I’m grateful for the small moments when I’m able to connect with people, and the interactions help me grow.